The first post

The inspiration for this blog is the blog The Actor's Diet. I heard about it when actress Lynn Chen was on one of my favorite podcasts, The Mental Illness Happy Hour. She was talking about her eating disorder and how she started her blog to make herself accountable in her food choices. I love her approach to eating and to life. And something in me wants to write, write, write.

I called it "deep fucking breaths" because most of the time taking some of those is the answer to my troubles. Like Lynn I have a history of binge eating that I have been trying to make peace with since I was about 16 years old. I am 41 now. I find that my best coping tools are laughing and breathing.  I want to blog so throughout the day I become more reflective about my actions - not just what I put in my mouth but other things I do and thoughts I have. What if I had to tell the whole world I was doing those things or thinking those things? Would I still do them? Even if no one ever reads a word of this the process of thinking about blogging is going to help me. It is the Heisenberg uncertainty principle - a phenomenon cannot be observed without changing it. I have always loved that one. You cannot observe your kids playing peacefully in the next room without a big fucking fight breaking out in the next five minutes.

I always start my day with this stuff:

Coffee is my major vice. I try to keep it to one cup in the morning. I drink it with stevia and almond milk lately. I wish I could quit but I have tried so many times that for the time being I have given up. The main reason I can't switch to tea is that coffee seems to have a slight anti-depressant effect for me. I have a low-grade depression that occasionally becomes higher grade if I don't take care of myself. The coffee seems to help, for now. I really do want to quit one day, though.

Breakfast was this:

"Paleo" banana bread. It is grain-free. I love it! 4 ripe bananas, 6 eggs, 1/2 cup coconut flour, 1/3 cup coconut oil, 1/4 tsp salt, 1 heaping tsp baking soda, 1 tsp cinnamon, 1 tsp vanilla. Bake about an hour. It is so easy! I have celiac and can't have any gluten, so when I have a little free time I cruise for gluten free recipes. Paleo diets are pretty extreme but you can find some great gluten-free recipes. I do kind of wish the world made it easier to be grain-free.

At work I took my stack of vitamins:

I take a multi, D, acidophilus, glutamine, FOS, primrose oil, fish oil, a thyroid support complex, and one called Emotional Wellness that has 5-HTP, GABA, and a bunch of amino acids. I also take an iron supplement and a calcium/magnesium, not pictured here. I find I really feel better and better about myself if I take my vitamins.

The next thing I ate was a hummus sandwich on gluten free bread. I forgot to take a picture of it, so here is the empty wrapper:

I went to the gym at lunch time, ran for 1/2 an hour and then lifted weights for 1/2 an hour with Anthony, the owner at The Ridge. When I got back to work I ate a salad with tuna, avocado and avocado oil as dressing. The lettuce is from my husband Dean's boss' Patrick's garden.

Then I headed to work at New Paltz Community Acupuncture. I ate a pear on the way. I worked non-stop for a while and then took a quick break to shove down some soup:

My mom made this soup! It has quinoa, kale, squash and carrots and it is SOOOOO good! Thank you mom!!
After the soup I was still hungry - I had some hummus and 2 rice cakes.

I finished working at 8:30 pm. On the way home I stopped to do some grocery shopping and bought this:

It was really good! I ate it in the car on the drive home. I don't think I was really hungry, though,  just wanted something sweet. I started seeing a nutritionist lately who specializes in eating disorders, and my assignment is to sit when I eat. But I don't think she meant the car! I think the idea is to focus on what I am eating, not be distracted. I have been trying. But eating in the car is definitely a weakness - I am so busy these days I don't seem to have a choice. But I am going to try not to eat in the car.

I had to stay in my daughter's room for an hour and a half tonight before she fell asleep - and no, she is not 2, she is 9. When I got out of there I wanted to eat - stress eating, not hunger eating. I cooked up this:

Bok choy from our new CSA! Had our first pick-up today.

All in all not a bad day. Up until a week or so ago I have been in the bad habit of eating non-stop between 10 and 12 at night. I am determined to stop that. I weigh 5-10 pounds more than I would like to. I do not believe in dieting, I know it just leads to binging. I want to eat with awareness and I think that will get me where I want to be.

It is almost midnight so I better end this first post.